Well, I just figured that I'd get on tonight and reaquant myself with my blog. And I needed somewhere to rant where I wont be getting comments and such. I know that it's entirely possible that I may one day, but I figure that since I haven't updated in so long, people just stopped looking because I stopped posting. That is the hope anyway. Maybe someday you'll be reading this only to discover that I had written it months ago and the situation is entirely different. So, I am going to write this as if I don't know the people are going to be reading this. I'm not going to disguise anything. This is my blog, and so I shall write in it what I will and how I...wilt? =D
And you guessed it. This entry is all about Seth,so, if you don't like him or don't like hearing people blabbering on and on about him, then I would suggest that you ignore this post and wait for another one that will eventually come along that involves school and work and play. I understand that not everyone is an appreciator, so I just thought that I'd give everyone a heads up.
So...Seth has been on a mission...yep...and from what little (and I mean little) he has written me, he has had a pretty crumby mission so far. The companions that he has been with have each been a very unique trial. I was getting worried for him, he just seemed so disgouraged! I didn't want him to come home. Ok, I do, but I want to be gone when he does. I'm going on my own mission. So, I've just been really worried about him. Then I get a package from him. He called the gifts my Christmas, Birthday, and Valentines Day gifts. They really are quie stunning and lovely. I got a beautiful scarf that reminds me of fire, and an interesting hair piece that everyone keeps saying looks really oriental. I don't know about that, but i do know that I love them both. ^-^ He also sent an item to place in his silver suitcase.
For those of you who don't know, Seth left with me a silver suitcase and 300 dollars with which to buy video games that are coming out while he is away. Already I have KH 385/2 Days and Dissidia both kept neatly in their packaging and the original bags from Gamestop nestled safely in the silver suitcase.
So, he sent KH Final Mix that was only released in Japan for me to place in his "treasure chest" Oh goody. But that isn't all that he sent me in his package of joy and joyness and wonder. He also sent me his memory card. That's right, his memory card that is just stuffed to bursting with pictures of his mission, oh, and some really dorky voice recordings and a few videos. In fact, that's what I would like to talk about. One video in particular....
Ok, so I know this just sounds like normal dorky old Seth, and you might not have caught what Seth said that is bothering me so much, and I KNOW that I'm reading too much into this, but still. "I just got off the phone with Lauren and that whole ordeal"...So...talking to me was an ordeal...like, I was hard to talk to or like you didn't want to talk to me. Ok, so I am being way to emotional about this, but shouldn't he consider any effort to speak with me or reach out to me worth it and not an "ordeal" I mean, it is true that there was a bunch of jumping hoops so he could talk to me, but, wasn't it worth it? Aren't I worth it? I'd like to think that I am. He bought phone cards, borrowed phone cards and bargained for phone cards so he could talk with me. And I loved it. I got to hear from Seth for the last time until I get back from my mission. It is going to be a total of 3 years before I see that child again, is it really so hard to make an effort to talk to me?
So Seth has other videos on his memory card. Out of all of them, he doesn't mention anyone from home except me. Once in this video, and once saying that he had expected me to marry Nick Warren except that Nick is in the MTC at the exact same time and that they are both going to get home at the same time, so no worries.
I dunno, I just feel...I dunno. Kind of like I've been abandoned. It's just so hard sometimes because of who I am and the attention I sometimes think I need. I need people to tell me that they love me. I need to be told. Most times, I'm totally cool with the whole idea of implied love by actions, but I also find myself yearning for the words. But what is a word anyway? It is nothing more than a construction of sounds that we give meaning to. So why do I need to hear the words "I love you"? Actions speak louder than words, but when words are all that you've got, then what? All I hear from Seth are his letters. his short discouraging letters. And now the pedestal that I built for the memories of him is crumbling slightly. The idealized things that I placed on the teetery shelf have slipped a little. Yes, I can see his humor and the things that I fell in love with in the first place, but I can also see the things that hurt so much too. His jesting nature which sometimes takes things to far, and then all we feel is pain. A stabbing pain, a dull pain, a constant ache, the empty pit.
That is all for now. I find my gaze wandering to the corner of my screen and seein 1 AM. haha sleep an impossible dream. It's just, I miss Seth I miss being loved. I miss the problems and I miss the beautiful moments. I loved feeling wanted, and now, I don't feel that anymore. But I should be happy for that! He is on his mission for the Lord, not for Lauren. He cannot be distracted by thoughts of me. To be all that he can be, he needs to offer all of his service to the Lord. And I know this, but I sometimes can't help but feel so greedy sometimes. I want his love and his service! I want his attention again. I want, I want, I want! That is what the greedy little demon inside me says. and sometimes that is all I hear. So then I become sad. Because there is no way that I am going to tell him how badly I want these foolish things. Because I am terrified that if he knew how much I hated this, then he'd come back. Which I want all at the same time as I fear it. >,<
I give myself headaches and soggy blankets. Bed I think is calling me and wants me just as much as I want Seth. And so, I appease the one thing I can...to sleep.
You know what's really funny about this whole situation? I didn't even write about half of the things that are bothering me or weighing heavily on me at this moment. I have a lot of things that I have been bottling up, because I can't really confide in anyone anymore. Mum freaks out and sometimes stops listening partway through what I'm saying, for a time my friends abandoned me and i abandoned them, and now the doors are closed to confidentiality. They don't need me anymore, so how can I expect them to let me need them? Our lives have changed so much. The one person that i found to confide in took too much away from it, and now He is pursuing me constantly. I opened up too much to him because I had no one else. and so now, I have no one. I cannot tell Seth all of my worries because I don't want him becoming overwhelmed by it. And so, I turn to the word, and the fragile knowledge that no one will be reading this for a time. In this, I hope. Because I really don't feel like explaining this to people. I can hardly explain it to myself, how can I expect others to understand? I love my friends. I love my family. I love Seth. But I guess I still hurt too much from the past that I still can't move on wholly into the future. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I've come to terms, but I still feel that hollow ache that is a mere remnant of the initial hurt. It is deep and slow mending.
Geh, I am tired and I am sleep deprived. I am maddness. I am so many things. And now, or soon I will be asleep.
*eats a cookie*
A toast, for being only human. *silently raises a glass into the air*
*says nothing*
ReplyDelete*love*