A simple thing, dreams. A series of images, sounds, and emotions that play across the mind in sleep. Scientifically this occurs during what is called REM Sleep or rapid eye movement sleep. It has been said that the time it takes to describe or relive the dream is about the length of the dream itself or close to. Through the centuries dreams have been used to perform healing, seek guidance, and receive divine inspiration. There have been many attempts to define dreams and what they really mean with no real success.
Are dreams suppressed parts of ourselves? Or are the characters representations of different personal aspects? The inanimate objects? Many ideas with no real answer.
Today's entry is not about finding an answer. It is about finding closure, and yet, I don't know if closure is even possible with this strange dream. It by no means is exceptionally strange or even remotely outlandish, just unfinished and somewhat tragic.
It all began on a sunny day. I was alone on a hike that was ranging the sides of a mountain and skirted around small lakes and large ponds. When I say alone, I mean I didn't have any friends with me. It was a very busy trail with lots of people, just none of them were mine. Sometimes the winding trail was nothing more than lumber fixed to the side of the mountain hanging over a lake. I didn't get to this part of the trail until much later, when I was running from him. Him? who is this Him? Even I'm not really sure. I could describe him to you in great detail.
He was an older man. Somewhere in his 50's. Average height of 5' 6". Silvery white hair brushed into a slight comb-over , not long and not disgusting. In fact it kept his face framed and it lightened the emotions that raced there. Eyes that were a steely gray. A nose slightly larger than normal, but well fitted to his face. He stood very tall and proud. He was dressed very well in clothes that were comfortable, and very obviously expensive. His skin has tanned and weathered from being outside often. Very, very, very I say over and again because this was a man exceptional in appearance and manner. He was rich and knew it. He showed the confidence of his wealth but I could see that something was wrong.
There was something missing from his life and he didn't know what it was. Of course, when I first started talking to him, I didn't know this. We met at the first of the hike when I had accidentally dropped my water bottle. It rolled away from me and he was the one who caught it and handed it back to me. I thanked him and started conversing with him as the hike began. It was a guided hike with a forest ranger at the lead.
I was curious about the man walking beside me. I had never met anyone like him before. It was strange. I can't really explain it, but there was a connection between us right from the very beginning.He was well versed in the world of books so we had a lot to talk about. Eventually we changed topics and ranged from books to food,different cultures, movies, and wild life. Never once did I ask him about his wealth or money. Somehow this intrigued him because at one point he brought it up wondering why I didn't ask.
I simply didn't care. Well, it was more that it was so obvious that I didn't feel that I needed to ask. He had money and I obviously didn't. Did it really matter. He was silent for a time as we continued hiking.
The next piece I remember of this dream.
The group has been stopped at a small clearing by a lake. The man and I have become very good friends. We are enjoying each others company at the back of the group and have gotten to the point where we are joking and teasing each other. He goes silent suddenly...He was looking away towards the lake, but that wasn't what he was seeing. Slowly, he turns back to face me and I wonder if he is all right. He has an expression in his eyes I hadn't seen yet and I didn't know what to expect. He is searching my face and can obviously see my faltering smile. Something is about to happen.
He leans closer to me and starts talking with a quieter voice.
"Do you think that certain events happen because of fate or because of men's own foolishness?" We had just been talking about natural disasters so my mind goes back to that. I look out to the lake and start thinking for my response when he leans in and kisses me. I move to pull myself away, but i just can't do it. A large part of me doesn't want to. Again, i can't really explain it. I knew that I should be upset about this forward advance, but I can't be. That connection we were both feeling was too powerful. Finally I break away from him and have to walk away. I'm trying to collect my thoughts but they are as elusive as catching a cloud. He walks up beside me.
"I would like you to stay with me. Be by my side. You are like no other woman I have ever known, and i don't want to lose you."
I am still so stunned from the kiss that this just about knocked me over. I turn towards him, questioning, and see that he is so sure of my answer that he isn't even looking at me. It looks for all the world as if he doesn't care. In fact, it looks to me that he has asked the question so many times before that hearing the same old answer has become boring to him. Who could deny this obviously wealthy man? Who would even dare? To be favored by him is a gift. I see this all in the way he is standing. It made me angry. I was just another in a long string of gems he wanted to add to his collection. Who better than a pretty little no body met on a hike in the middle of no where.
I say nothing.
My silence finally draws his gaze and he can see that he made a mistake in asking me that. Ice cold I tell him no and turn to walk away. He reaches out and grabs my arm asking me to wait so he can explain. All I hear in my haze of anger is NO. I look down at his hand and remove it. As I move to leave, again he stops me with a hand. This time, I cant shake his grip. He is incredibly strong and I begin to be afraid. While he had been kissing me, the group had moved on so it was only us in the clearing. I look at him. He is becoming sweaty and nervous. I pull away from him and start to run down the clearing. When I look over my shoulder I can see him running behind me. He doesn't want to let me go and I don't want to be caught.
I escape him in the mountains and manage to get away. During the course of the next year, he continues to follow me. I am in a constant state of movement. Eventually the states became too small a place to hide so I travel across the seas and find places to hide around the world. Somehow though, he manages to find me wherever I go. There are many times where we meet face to face and he tries to explain himself. At first I refused to hear. I would not become another useless pretty thing.
Slowly the words he manages to say when we meet start reaching me. Eventually I discover that he really doesn't have any one in his life. No wife and no children. He is alone in the world. His only friends the vultures seeking his money and favor. I begin to realize that the actions that day by the lake were the actions of a man so long alone that he no longer knew how to respond to real people.
I know these things sound strange, but in this dream, these were the answers plain and simple.
The chase across the world led to many strange and wonderful places. Eventually it all came to a close in a most remarkable place. It was an incredibly extravagant hotel with a singular attraction. It could serve any kind of drink imaginable to man if it were an American Cherry Coke or Yak milk. If you could think of it they had it, alcoholic or not. A strange place to end this adventure, but we were both becoming tired. We were at a standstill. Neither of us willing to change but neither of us willing to leave either.
We were becoming desperate, locked by internal struggle. Thankfully and saddly the answer was given to us and we only had to respond. All during my adventures around the world, I was being followed by two men. The second one being my father. I didn't even know he was searching for me. It makes sense, but it was a complete surprise when I walked out of a room to see both my dad and the man standing there. My dad didn't know that the man he was standing next to was the one who had chased me around the world. I didn't tell him. I ran to my dad and put my arms around him giving him a huge hug. He asked me if I was ready to go home, and I said yes.
I turned my gaze to the man only to see him walking away, once proud shoulders now curved forward in defeat. I almost ran to him then, but something held me back. Instead I turned with my dad to collect my things and finally return home. As we were leaving the building and driving away I turned to look back and saw the man standing on the curb with a folded piece of paper in his hand. He waved it a little almost looking like he was going to run after the car, but something stopped him. The last thing I saw was of him standing on the curb ignorant of the world around. It looked like he was trying to hold back tears and then we turned a corner, and I never saw him again.
I couldn't shake the feeling that the man still needed help even if he didn't know how to ask for it. He needed a friend. Someone in the world he could trust, who was sincere. He was alone and lost. I feel like I had been able to show him something of a sunny world, and then ripped it away from him by leaving. I know this sounds so strange, but the "chase" around the world was so much fun. It was a game we played. I would occasionally open the door of the room I was staying in, and I would find a ticket to some show, or a flyer of a tourist site. Occasionally, there would be hand drawn maps to an ancient ruin or a little known pizzeria. I would find places on my own as well, and somehow leave signs for him to find the stunning waterfall hidden only a few steps from the road. Then, the game ended and we were thrust back into a world both of us had been trying to escape from.
That was why we both were on that hike at the beginning. We were looking for something bigger than ourselves. Something away from the world. A piece of Heaven.
As my dream was coming to a close, I tried to stay asleep so I could write the man a letter. I needed to tell him that he really wasn't alone in the world. That he had a friend in me and in the very world around him. He didn't need to think of this world as a place to suffer through anymore. He could be happy. But I never did finish the letter, and I never did tell the man these things.
Somewhere wandering in my realm of dreams, there is an older man there, looking for answers, and maybe he found them without me telling him. I will never know. What are dreams anyway? Images, sound, and emotions that play across the sleeping mind. Not reality. So why do I feel so sad about a man created by my mind? I think he found happiness after the end. I hope he found happiness.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
hooray!
So I don't know why it is, (okay I really do) but I just haven't wanted to write lately. I guess since I know why I haven't been writing, I should state that I don't know what got me back into it. It could be the music that I am currently listening to. Or it could be an accumulation of the past few days. Let's just say that spring break can be compared to the mana of the gods. It totally restores any lost or degenerating cells and makes you feel more than human again. I can very safely say that I am feeling really good about life. I really wish I could share the music I'm listening to with you, it truly is epic. With a sense of yearning offset by a feeling of adventure and with movement balanced by an intricate weave of instruments...Truly a beautiful sound.
So, here's the reason I haven't been writing. Well, one of the reasons anyway. Here is the story that I've been avoiding and have been trying to work through...
I have a new friend. His name is Jorge. I met him at school and we became pretty good friends. Turns out we both had similar schedules for school in Orem. I need a ride down every other day, and he's willing to give me one. By the time I ask him if I can hitch a ride with him I've already gotten to know him enough to trust him with my well being. All is going well and dandy. At the time I started getting rides from him I was in a vulnerable state. My boyfriend had just left for his mission not too long before this and I was still struggling with it. I was honestly quite pathetic. Because of this time I ended up giving myself a new nick name. They call me Gimp. As stated in the dictionary...gimp=a person who limps; lame person.
This is what I had become. I tried my hardest to function normally, but ended up failing more often then naught. So in this state of weakness, along comes some person who doesn't really know me and is willing to listen to my problems and have random conversations with me. I put my trust in him. He became my confidant and a loyal friend. Truly, it was what I needed. Then things started to go wrong little by little, precept upon precept. I was ending up spending quite a lot of time with this guy. This was bad.
He started making approaches on me and was laying it on really thick. For a time I was sorely tempted by this idea of being in a relationship. It is such a comfort to be in a relationship and know that there is someone who will be there for you. So I toyed with the notion for quite a while. I thought and prayed really hard about it and decided that it wasn't what I wanted in life. So i told him no and he told me that he could accept that. He said it was better far to still be my friend than not know me at all. I expected him to keep his word with it and trusted him to understand.
He didn't. In fact he kkept pursuing me and I didn't know what to do. I was almost okay with his behavior, but then he took advantage of my sleeping self and kissed me on the lips. :/ In this, I was not well pleased. Something obviosly needed to happen. So I totally cut off all communication with him so that he would finally understand the point. Although I felt very strongly about this and his treatment of me, and even though I was really really mad at him. I couldn't do it. It was really really hard not communicating with him and it ended up hurting me because I just don't do those kinds of things. This was of course after 3 weeks of absolutely no communication with him. So I prayed, and the answer I got was to start over. When that thought came to me, my soul was able to settle and I could feel comfortable again.
So now I am trying my best to pretend like he's some random stranger from class. We're slowly getting to know eachother again. If he does anything too fast or seems to have a knowledge of me more than I've told him about myself in the past two weeks, I shut down. This way I remind him that I am a totaly stranger to him and that he can't push his luck with me.
I'm sure that it seems like a strange idea, but it's been working really well for me. Sometimes my earlier issues come back into mind, but then I "forget" them and move on. The way I figure it is that I can't expect our Heavenly Father to love and forgive me if I can't do it for others. The phrase kept coming to my mind of "what would Jesus do?" childish in its simplicity, yet ground breaking in its potential. Although Jesus probably wouldn't even be in this situation, I feel comfortable that I've made the correct decision.
It has been an interesting and rather long series of weeks. Things are looking good though. My world doesn't revolve around him so my life is amazingly beautiful. When I remember the love of the Lord for me, I feel comforted and content. I love my Father in Heaven and am so gratefull for his love for me. I know that with his guidance and protection I can do anything and become anyone.
So far, my plan is working really well. If he gets anywhere to an uncomfortable level for me, I have the power to shut him out again and continue with my own life. He doesn't have to be a part of it. I have the power of choice.
Hahaha. I fell asleep whil writing this all up. I'm going to bed. ^-^
Oyasuminasai!
So, here's the reason I haven't been writing. Well, one of the reasons anyway. Here is the story that I've been avoiding and have been trying to work through...
I have a new friend. His name is Jorge. I met him at school and we became pretty good friends. Turns out we both had similar schedules for school in Orem. I need a ride down every other day, and he's willing to give me one. By the time I ask him if I can hitch a ride with him I've already gotten to know him enough to trust him with my well being. All is going well and dandy. At the time I started getting rides from him I was in a vulnerable state. My boyfriend had just left for his mission not too long before this and I was still struggling with it. I was honestly quite pathetic. Because of this time I ended up giving myself a new nick name. They call me Gimp. As stated in the dictionary...gimp=a person who limps; lame person.
This is what I had become. I tried my hardest to function normally, but ended up failing more often then naught. So in this state of weakness, along comes some person who doesn't really know me and is willing to listen to my problems and have random conversations with me. I put my trust in him. He became my confidant and a loyal friend. Truly, it was what I needed. Then things started to go wrong little by little, precept upon precept. I was ending up spending quite a lot of time with this guy. This was bad.
He started making approaches on me and was laying it on really thick. For a time I was sorely tempted by this idea of being in a relationship. It is such a comfort to be in a relationship and know that there is someone who will be there for you. So I toyed with the notion for quite a while. I thought and prayed really hard about it and decided that it wasn't what I wanted in life. So i told him no and he told me that he could accept that. He said it was better far to still be my friend than not know me at all. I expected him to keep his word with it and trusted him to understand.
He didn't. In fact he kkept pursuing me and I didn't know what to do. I was almost okay with his behavior, but then he took advantage of my sleeping self and kissed me on the lips. :/ In this, I was not well pleased. Something obviosly needed to happen. So I totally cut off all communication with him so that he would finally understand the point. Although I felt very strongly about this and his treatment of me, and even though I was really really mad at him. I couldn't do it. It was really really hard not communicating with him and it ended up hurting me because I just don't do those kinds of things. This was of course after 3 weeks of absolutely no communication with him. So I prayed, and the answer I got was to start over. When that thought came to me, my soul was able to settle and I could feel comfortable again.
So now I am trying my best to pretend like he's some random stranger from class. We're slowly getting to know eachother again. If he does anything too fast or seems to have a knowledge of me more than I've told him about myself in the past two weeks, I shut down. This way I remind him that I am a totaly stranger to him and that he can't push his luck with me.
I'm sure that it seems like a strange idea, but it's been working really well for me. Sometimes my earlier issues come back into mind, but then I "forget" them and move on. The way I figure it is that I can't expect our Heavenly Father to love and forgive me if I can't do it for others. The phrase kept coming to my mind of "what would Jesus do?" childish in its simplicity, yet ground breaking in its potential. Although Jesus probably wouldn't even be in this situation, I feel comfortable that I've made the correct decision.
It has been an interesting and rather long series of weeks. Things are looking good though. My world doesn't revolve around him so my life is amazingly beautiful. When I remember the love of the Lord for me, I feel comforted and content. I love my Father in Heaven and am so gratefull for his love for me. I know that with his guidance and protection I can do anything and become anyone.
So far, my plan is working really well. If he gets anywhere to an uncomfortable level for me, I have the power to shut him out again and continue with my own life. He doesn't have to be a part of it. I have the power of choice.
Hahaha. I fell asleep whil writing this all up. I'm going to bed. ^-^
Oyasuminasai!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
soooooooo tireeeeddd
Ok, so I really really want to update and share the story of my last week, but I am so tired that I haven't done anything for the past hour but stare at a blank computer screen. Seriously. I need sleep. I believe that the synapses in my brain are beginning to fry around the edges and are really slow in responding. Oh life. Oh dear. going to bed at 1 average everynight for two weeks and waking up at 7 every morning is a really really bad idea.
Bed! It calls my name and for once, I will respond before midnight.
Oyasuminasai!
Bed! It calls my name and for once, I will respond before midnight.
Oyasuminasai!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
saved again!
Blah! I have been so overly emotional the days of late. And now, I think that I have finally found some peace. I deeply apologize to anyone I have inconvenienced and who i might have freaked out within the last two weeks. I don't really have an explanation. So, I'm sorry. I would like to thank those who have stood by me and helped me out. Yes, that would be YOU Kyle (who doesn't even know of the existence of this blog). By giving me a ride to school tomorrow, you have saved me. Thank you. Thank you.
Oyasuminasai! (goodnight)
...
and by that I mean that I am going to continue working on homework until my eyes go cross-eyed. It's a rather curious sensation.
Oyasuminasai! (goodnight)
...
and by that I mean that I am going to continue working on homework until my eyes go cross-eyed. It's a rather curious sensation.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Relaxing
Today was a nice relaxing day of attending church, going to choir practice, eating dinner with family and a friend, and working on homework. It doesn't get much easier than that. A good day all told. I am now 1/4th done with my drawing assignment. Now I just have to draw the leaf 3 more times. I'll upload pictures as soon as I take them. ^-^
For now, oyasuminasai (goodnight)
For now, oyasuminasai (goodnight)
BANISHED!!!
Are you ready for this adventure? I don't think you are! Strap yourselves in and prepare yourself for a tale of danger, treachery, and solid friendships.
It all began as a normal day. Well, normal for me. Get up at 7/7:30 ish, get ready for day. Go to play practice, dance and sing. Return home to do homework/take a nap. Go to work. Not that bad a day, right? To answer my own question, yes.
I guess it really all began at work. I get there and see who else I get to work with, and I'm kind of excited! It looks like it's going to be a good day. Lots of fun people to work with. And then...THEY came. That's right. We actually had costomers today! Ok, not just a few here and there like it has been of late. I mean they CAME!.
Let me 'esplain.
the dining room was entirely full and people kept coming for a good solid 3 hours... There were at best two people on tills. At best, there were two people putting orders together. At best, there were 3 people in shakes. There was not a moment to rest! The people just kept coming! As soon as we'd somewhat recover from the previous group, another 10 would walk in! Then another 8, and 6, and 2, and 4, and another 8.
I was one of the fortunate ones on orders. My companion in arms was Ian. I love working with that kid! He gets a bad rep only because his mind is moving too fast to pay attention to what he is doing sometimes. Not today. Today, he was my trusty sidekick and managed to stay on top of the orders. We were like a perfect precision machine. I would ask him to make kidsmeals and he would do them. He would ask for a bag/sauce and I'd hand it to him. We both knew the status of all our orders. Which ones needed cheesburgers and which ones were waiting on fries. It was pretty great! It was still increadibly stressfull as well. I was quite literally running everywhere.
It was going really well, but I was still getting really stressed out. And then, came Marci...Do I really need to finish that idea? I feel that I am safe in saying this here, because you are all people I trust. Marci is a Diva. The world revolves around her. At this point Ian has left to do garbages (which only men can do?) and I find myself alone on orders. My stress level was getting pretty high. At any given time I had about 8 orders to deal with. I was running again. The shake tickets are piling up and I'm struggling to get the orders out in a timely manner.
We keep calling to the back for help, but no one responds. When they do it is only to yell at us that there is no one back there...wait, what? Then who was that yelling? Anyway, we are all going full force and Marci finally comes out to help. She comes over to orders. I have orders under control. I mean, sure it probably looks bad having only me there with 8 orders, but I can manage it. See, I only mention this because I could see that shakes were struggling something fierce.
Marci starts going into some life story where some guy was treating her wrong, or was stalking her or something. I don't really care. I don't say that, but I am ignoring her. I'm a little short in my answers to her because I am focused and busy and don't care. She senses this just like a shark senses blood in the water. Instead of understanding that I was stressed because of work and school, she asks me why I'm mad at HER... I wasn't mad at her! I also didn't feel like expounding my life story to her and giving her the real reasons I'm stressed. So I tell her that I am tired. Good enough right?
Nope, she has to top it off by telling me she took the ACT this morning. I'd just like to know, what the heck did that have to do with anything?! I think she was making the hint that she was tired too because she had to get up early for a test. I didn't feel like informing her that I'd been up since 7:30 and had been dancing/singing for 4 hours. "Whoopdidoo, you took the ACT! Congratulations." I tell her in a slightly sarcastic way... Ok, it was increadibly sarcastic. Now it's true, I should have treated her with a little more respect, but I really didn't care that she took a long test. She's been in the back goofing around while I've been working my butt off. I know this because I have had to get things from the back because we ran out in front.
She gets very upset and refuses to talk to me after that. I am totally cool with that. Ian comes back to help and Marci ditches and speedily goes to her mother. Did I forget to mention this? Marci is the daughter of one of the managers and the grandaughter of the original owners. That's right, she has special privaleges because of this. I happen to glance over and see Marci yelling and pointing in a very angry manner in my general direction. She's not very happy, too bad. For a moment, I am worried that I might possibly lose my job in that very moment. Then I see her mom's reaction. It looked something like...
Settle down Marci, go away and stop bothering me. I don't care what you think Lauren is saying she's working hard.
Ok, so I don't really know what was being said, so I am still a little fearful for my job. I decide that the best way to retaliate and keep my job is to put on the cheesiest and happiest face/attitude you could imagine. And they buy it! Honestly, I felt like I was seriously going to break down. I am BUKKO stressed. Before I hit the breaking point I get increadibly polite. So, I am being really nice to her even though I know full well she is stabbing me in the back as we speak. Of course she complains to every one. People (and by people I mean Trevor, another worker there who I have stories with) starts talking all about how people out front need to all take a chill pill...we make eye contact. I smile at him and he looks away.
People start mentioning how happy and bouncy I am. I'll admit, I was a little confused. Inside, my stomach has churned and harddned into a solid knot because I am so angry. Marci is trying her best to get me fired.
This did not make me happy.
She throws away my shake knowing full well that it was mine. When I return for it and ask people if they knew what happened, she yells from across the room that she doesn't know what happened...right...Oh! and she asks me why I didn't finish it while I was eating. Since when was that a rule?! I didn't believe it for a second! I had paid for that with my own money and she had the gull to throw that away! I made myself a new one and made sure to enjoy every moment of it, in case she decided to try that trick again.
This did not make me happy.
I continue grinning and joking with everyone though. I had a few people come up and warn me that Marci has a "beef" against me. By this point I don't care. Her mom and I had a moment and between she and I things were resolved. In fact, her mom seems to pity me and has totally taken my side. In fact, she keeps trying to send Marci home! Marci refuses to go. Absolutely point blank refuses. So, she continues to stir up misery and strife where there really isn't any.
Marci becomes the "List Nazi" and is telling everyone what to do. She takes on this title herself and is increadibly rude! She never says please and she doesn't use names unless she really wants them to do something. So we have been reduced to "hey you, girl, and boy" depending on the situation. That's right friends! I no longer have a name! Then she banishes me to dining room.
In this, I was well pleased.
I work my tail off in dining room wiping tables down, filling napkins, filling lids, filling straws, and sweeping. I do my job well and efficiently. This older couple has been watching me this entire time. I can feel their eyes on me, but I don't let it affect my work. As they are leaving, our paths cross and the woman stops me and tells me what a hard worker I am and that I was doing a marvelous job. I wasn't expecting this at all, so I start grinning even bigger. It's nice to be complimented for the work that you are doing. Then she asks me if I am a member of the family, if I'm a grandaughter. :D When I tell her that I'm not and that I'm just a regular employee she gets this really suprised look on her face and congratulates me again on a job well done.
I'd say that's a pretty good end to the night. Later I find out how hard Marci was trying to get me fired. She openly states it to her mother that I should be fired because "Nobody likes her anyway" I have it from a few first hand accounts that people stood up and said that they liked me. In this I am well pleased. Then as she was telling her mother of our little, and I use that in the smallest way possible, disagreement, she is of course blowing things way out of preportion. Again, I am saved from certain firing by a friend. Thank you dear Heather for saving me. Heather speaks up because she witnessed the entire exchange and lays out the facts as they happened. Hooray for friends!
And yeah, that was my night at work. Can I just say...I really REALLY REALLY need to get another job. I have a feeling that I might commit manslaughter otherwise, and in that I would be unhappy.
Hopefully tomorrow wont be so adventurous. *fingers crossed*
It all began as a normal day. Well, normal for me. Get up at 7/7:30 ish, get ready for day. Go to play practice, dance and sing. Return home to do homework/take a nap. Go to work. Not that bad a day, right? To answer my own question, yes.
I guess it really all began at work. I get there and see who else I get to work with, and I'm kind of excited! It looks like it's going to be a good day. Lots of fun people to work with. And then...THEY came. That's right. We actually had costomers today! Ok, not just a few here and there like it has been of late. I mean they CAME!.
Let me 'esplain.
the dining room was entirely full and people kept coming for a good solid 3 hours... There were at best two people on tills. At best, there were two people putting orders together. At best, there were 3 people in shakes. There was not a moment to rest! The people just kept coming! As soon as we'd somewhat recover from the previous group, another 10 would walk in! Then another 8, and 6, and 2, and 4, and another 8.
I was one of the fortunate ones on orders. My companion in arms was Ian. I love working with that kid! He gets a bad rep only because his mind is moving too fast to pay attention to what he is doing sometimes. Not today. Today, he was my trusty sidekick and managed to stay on top of the orders. We were like a perfect precision machine. I would ask him to make kidsmeals and he would do them. He would ask for a bag/sauce and I'd hand it to him. We both knew the status of all our orders. Which ones needed cheesburgers and which ones were waiting on fries. It was pretty great! It was still increadibly stressfull as well. I was quite literally running everywhere.
It was going really well, but I was still getting really stressed out. And then, came Marci...Do I really need to finish that idea? I feel that I am safe in saying this here, because you are all people I trust. Marci is a Diva. The world revolves around her. At this point Ian has left to do garbages (which only men can do?) and I find myself alone on orders. My stress level was getting pretty high. At any given time I had about 8 orders to deal with. I was running again. The shake tickets are piling up and I'm struggling to get the orders out in a timely manner.
We keep calling to the back for help, but no one responds. When they do it is only to yell at us that there is no one back there...wait, what? Then who was that yelling? Anyway, we are all going full force and Marci finally comes out to help. She comes over to orders. I have orders under control. I mean, sure it probably looks bad having only me there with 8 orders, but I can manage it. See, I only mention this because I could see that shakes were struggling something fierce.
Marci starts going into some life story where some guy was treating her wrong, or was stalking her or something. I don't really care. I don't say that, but I am ignoring her. I'm a little short in my answers to her because I am focused and busy and don't care. She senses this just like a shark senses blood in the water. Instead of understanding that I was stressed because of work and school, she asks me why I'm mad at HER... I wasn't mad at her! I also didn't feel like expounding my life story to her and giving her the real reasons I'm stressed. So I tell her that I am tired. Good enough right?
Nope, she has to top it off by telling me she took the ACT this morning. I'd just like to know, what the heck did that have to do with anything?! I think she was making the hint that she was tired too because she had to get up early for a test. I didn't feel like informing her that I'd been up since 7:30 and had been dancing/singing for 4 hours. "Whoopdidoo, you took the ACT! Congratulations." I tell her in a slightly sarcastic way... Ok, it was increadibly sarcastic. Now it's true, I should have treated her with a little more respect, but I really didn't care that she took a long test. She's been in the back goofing around while I've been working my butt off. I know this because I have had to get things from the back because we ran out in front.
She gets very upset and refuses to talk to me after that. I am totally cool with that. Ian comes back to help and Marci ditches and speedily goes to her mother. Did I forget to mention this? Marci is the daughter of one of the managers and the grandaughter of the original owners. That's right, she has special privaleges because of this. I happen to glance over and see Marci yelling and pointing in a very angry manner in my general direction. She's not very happy, too bad. For a moment, I am worried that I might possibly lose my job in that very moment. Then I see her mom's reaction. It looked something like...
Settle down Marci, go away and stop bothering me. I don't care what you think Lauren is saying she's working hard.
Ok, so I don't really know what was being said, so I am still a little fearful for my job. I decide that the best way to retaliate and keep my job is to put on the cheesiest and happiest face/attitude you could imagine. And they buy it! Honestly, I felt like I was seriously going to break down. I am BUKKO stressed. Before I hit the breaking point I get increadibly polite. So, I am being really nice to her even though I know full well she is stabbing me in the back as we speak. Of course she complains to every one. People (and by people I mean Trevor, another worker there who I have stories with) starts talking all about how people out front need to all take a chill pill...we make eye contact. I smile at him and he looks away.
People start mentioning how happy and bouncy I am. I'll admit, I was a little confused. Inside, my stomach has churned and harddned into a solid knot because I am so angry. Marci is trying her best to get me fired.
This did not make me happy.
She throws away my shake knowing full well that it was mine. When I return for it and ask people if they knew what happened, she yells from across the room that she doesn't know what happened...right...Oh! and she asks me why I didn't finish it while I was eating. Since when was that a rule?! I didn't believe it for a second! I had paid for that with my own money and she had the gull to throw that away! I made myself a new one and made sure to enjoy every moment of it, in case she decided to try that trick again.
This did not make me happy.
I continue grinning and joking with everyone though. I had a few people come up and warn me that Marci has a "beef" against me. By this point I don't care. Her mom and I had a moment and between she and I things were resolved. In fact, her mom seems to pity me and has totally taken my side. In fact, she keeps trying to send Marci home! Marci refuses to go. Absolutely point blank refuses. So, she continues to stir up misery and strife where there really isn't any.
Marci becomes the "List Nazi" and is telling everyone what to do. She takes on this title herself and is increadibly rude! She never says please and she doesn't use names unless she really wants them to do something. So we have been reduced to "hey you, girl, and boy" depending on the situation. That's right friends! I no longer have a name! Then she banishes me to dining room.
In this, I was well pleased.
I work my tail off in dining room wiping tables down, filling napkins, filling lids, filling straws, and sweeping. I do my job well and efficiently. This older couple has been watching me this entire time. I can feel their eyes on me, but I don't let it affect my work. As they are leaving, our paths cross and the woman stops me and tells me what a hard worker I am and that I was doing a marvelous job. I wasn't expecting this at all, so I start grinning even bigger. It's nice to be complimented for the work that you are doing. Then she asks me if I am a member of the family, if I'm a grandaughter. :D When I tell her that I'm not and that I'm just a regular employee she gets this really suprised look on her face and congratulates me again on a job well done.
I'd say that's a pretty good end to the night. Later I find out how hard Marci was trying to get me fired. She openly states it to her mother that I should be fired because "Nobody likes her anyway" I have it from a few first hand accounts that people stood up and said that they liked me. In this I am well pleased. Then as she was telling her mother of our little, and I use that in the smallest way possible, disagreement, she is of course blowing things way out of preportion. Again, I am saved from certain firing by a friend. Thank you dear Heather for saving me. Heather speaks up because she witnessed the entire exchange and lays out the facts as they happened. Hooray for friends!
And yeah, that was my night at work. Can I just say...I really REALLY REALLY need to get another job. I have a feeling that I might commit manslaughter otherwise, and in that I would be unhappy.
Hopefully tomorrow wont be so adventurous. *fingers crossed*
Friday, February 5, 2010
clear up
So, I feel that I need to clear something up. It struck me that as I expressed my maddness the other day, I might have given the impression that these events have all happened recently. I would like to make the note that these things started occuring sometime halfway through last semester and that the most recent event actually occured 2 weeks ago at least.
I would also like to note that I do in fact love my friends and have appreciated all of the help that they have given me. I am not an easy person to deal with sometimes, so I would just like to thank you all. See, the only people who would possibly read this are the people who I truly care about and the people that care about me. Every single one of you has helped me so much and sometimes you may not know the impact that you have had on my life.
I'm just such a panzy sometimes that I have a hard time expressing my thanks. Talking to anyone in general usually strikes me with terror, especially when I'm trying to talk about myself. So thank you for listening. I hate telling people about my problems because I know that everyone has their own set of problems and I hate adding to them. Although I have been sadly lacking in this area, please, feel free to talk to me. I'd rather deal with your problems any day. ;) I miss all of you my friends. I'm sorry I'm such a panzy.
I would also like to note that I do in fact love my friends and have appreciated all of the help that they have given me. I am not an easy person to deal with sometimes, so I would just like to thank you all. See, the only people who would possibly read this are the people who I truly care about and the people that care about me. Every single one of you has helped me so much and sometimes you may not know the impact that you have had on my life.
I'm just such a panzy sometimes that I have a hard time expressing my thanks. Talking to anyone in general usually strikes me with terror, especially when I'm trying to talk about myself. So thank you for listening. I hate telling people about my problems because I know that everyone has their own set of problems and I hate adding to them. Although I have been sadly lacking in this area, please, feel free to talk to me. I'd rather deal with your problems any day. ;) I miss all of you my friends. I'm sorry I'm such a panzy.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
What I had meant to bring up LAST time
So, I have determined to update my blog every day, even if it is just a quick little something. I mean, I have this thing set up, I may as well use it right?
Well, I do have one story to share, and I guess this is an adventure, but one I would rather do without. I mentioned in my previous update that there is a guy who is persuing me. It's not really that big a deal except that he seems to have a REALLY hard time understanding the concept of NO.
For the past semester and a half, I've been getting rides with this guy down to Orem for school. He arranges his schedule so that he is in my drawing class, and he convices me to join his sculpting class. At the time of convising, he wasn't quite so...what's the phrase? Well, he was able to keep his interest hidden better. I also really just enjoyed the teacher so I ended up getting into the class.
It can be a long ride from Heber to Orem and back again (that sounds like it could be a book title) so we end up talking a lot. I tell him my life story, he tells me his. As it turns out, we get along really well. He's a very superstitious character and highly believes that as a dragon he gets along with me very well because I am a snake. These are according to the Chinese Zodiac. Although I do enjoy reading up on my daily horroscopes every once in a while, that doesn't mean that I believe that my fate is dictated by these.
So, he starts to present arguments showing how well we get along and then he starts mentioning how he is an awesome guy and a real catch. I remind him of the fact that I currently have a boyfriend and he responds saying that he isn't the "jeaolous type" I tell him that I am going on a mission and can't afford any distractions. He doesn't understand but agrees to let me be. Not even a week later he is back again asking for my attention. It's starting to get to the point that I say no and he backs off for about a minute, then he's back again. >,<
Finally, I am sick of it. He keeps telling me that he cares for me and that he'd care for me. Great. I don't want him to! I see him as a friend, but I feel that slowly dwindling off into a nemesis.
Ok, so here's the part where I come clean. I considered it. For about a week I seriously considered what would happen if I were to get into a relationship with him. It is an incredibly tempting idea to let yourself be adored by someone. I thought long and hard about it, prayed, fasted, the whole shebang. Finally I decided that I really didn't want this with him. It's just so very very tempting to have someone who tells you that they care about you, let care about you. It has been so hard living without Seth constantly reminding me of his love. But that's just it. The only reason I even considered this with my friend, is because of how much I miss Seth. I know that doesn't really make too much sense, but that is how I felt. I had found someone with a fraction of the love Seth had for me, and it was so very tempting to accept that. I miss it, okay?
So, I tell him so and give him an ultimatum. Because he has seemed to forget all of my previous responses and because I can't having him continue to play these games with me, I decide that it is time for all of this to come to an end. Either he accepts my decision, or I am no longer his friend. Needless to say, I have been finding different people to ride with to Orem. Now I only see him during the classes that we both have.This has helped a LOT. But that isn't really why I'm writing all of this today. If that had really been the end of it, I wouldn't be telling you this pathetic story.
No. The real reason I am writing this is because he asks me the other day if I would be his valentine...
...
...
...
This maddens me to no end! I refuse outright and have been ignoring him since. Since the classes we share are art classes, it is actually very easy to avoid him entirely. I have a core group of friends that I made in each class and hang out with them. Today he asks me what is wrong and I tell him exactly what it is. I had given him an ultimatum before and I was sticking with it. I bring up the valentine thing and he says that he was just joking...right...I totally believe that... :P I feel like kicking him in the head, but instead I remind him of my ultimatum and tell him that he no longer has the right to joke about such things. I have too much school and work and other things to worry about without having him and his stupid little sarcasms to take up space in my mind.
He puts on this little look and says okay, and that he "understands". Where was his understanding earlier when I started telling him to lay off? I'll tell you where, it was nonexistent. An empty set as it were. Oh, I don't believe that I mentioned he is 13 years older than me. Yep, and he has a 6 year old son who is currently living with the mother.
I have determined that I shall keep silence with him unless he asks me direct questions, and then I shall keep the answers short. This treatment shall continue until I feel that he finally understands what the word NO means.
Geh, these things make me so tired. -_- Go away, go away, don't come back another day.
Well, I do have one story to share, and I guess this is an adventure, but one I would rather do without. I mentioned in my previous update that there is a guy who is persuing me. It's not really that big a deal except that he seems to have a REALLY hard time understanding the concept of NO.
For the past semester and a half, I've been getting rides with this guy down to Orem for school. He arranges his schedule so that he is in my drawing class, and he convices me to join his sculpting class. At the time of convising, he wasn't quite so...what's the phrase? Well, he was able to keep his interest hidden better. I also really just enjoyed the teacher so I ended up getting into the class.
It can be a long ride from Heber to Orem and back again (that sounds like it could be a book title) so we end up talking a lot. I tell him my life story, he tells me his. As it turns out, we get along really well. He's a very superstitious character and highly believes that as a dragon he gets along with me very well because I am a snake. These are according to the Chinese Zodiac. Although I do enjoy reading up on my daily horroscopes every once in a while, that doesn't mean that I believe that my fate is dictated by these.
So, he starts to present arguments showing how well we get along and then he starts mentioning how he is an awesome guy and a real catch. I remind him of the fact that I currently have a boyfriend and he responds saying that he isn't the "jeaolous type" I tell him that I am going on a mission and can't afford any distractions. He doesn't understand but agrees to let me be. Not even a week later he is back again asking for my attention. It's starting to get to the point that I say no and he backs off for about a minute, then he's back again. >,<
Finally, I am sick of it. He keeps telling me that he cares for me and that he'd care for me. Great. I don't want him to! I see him as a friend, but I feel that slowly dwindling off into a nemesis.
Ok, so here's the part where I come clean. I considered it. For about a week I seriously considered what would happen if I were to get into a relationship with him. It is an incredibly tempting idea to let yourself be adored by someone. I thought long and hard about it, prayed, fasted, the whole shebang. Finally I decided that I really didn't want this with him. It's just so very very tempting to have someone who tells you that they care about you, let care about you. It has been so hard living without Seth constantly reminding me of his love. But that's just it. The only reason I even considered this with my friend, is because of how much I miss Seth. I know that doesn't really make too much sense, but that is how I felt. I had found someone with a fraction of the love Seth had for me, and it was so very tempting to accept that. I miss it, okay?
So, I tell him so and give him an ultimatum. Because he has seemed to forget all of my previous responses and because I can't having him continue to play these games with me, I decide that it is time for all of this to come to an end. Either he accepts my decision, or I am no longer his friend. Needless to say, I have been finding different people to ride with to Orem. Now I only see him during the classes that we both have.This has helped a LOT. But that isn't really why I'm writing all of this today. If that had really been the end of it, I wouldn't be telling you this pathetic story.
No. The real reason I am writing this is because he asks me the other day if I would be his valentine...
...
...
...
This maddens me to no end! I refuse outright and have been ignoring him since. Since the classes we share are art classes, it is actually very easy to avoid him entirely. I have a core group of friends that I made in each class and hang out with them. Today he asks me what is wrong and I tell him exactly what it is. I had given him an ultimatum before and I was sticking with it. I bring up the valentine thing and he says that he was just joking...right...I totally believe that... :P I feel like kicking him in the head, but instead I remind him of my ultimatum and tell him that he no longer has the right to joke about such things. I have too much school and work and other things to worry about without having him and his stupid little sarcasms to take up space in my mind.
He puts on this little look and says okay, and that he "understands". Where was his understanding earlier when I started telling him to lay off? I'll tell you where, it was nonexistent. An empty set as it were. Oh, I don't believe that I mentioned he is 13 years older than me. Yep, and he has a 6 year old son who is currently living with the mother.
I have determined that I shall keep silence with him unless he asks me direct questions, and then I shall keep the answers short. This treatment shall continue until I feel that he finally understands what the word NO means.
Geh, these things make me so tired. -_- Go away, go away, don't come back another day.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Seth blah blah blah Seth blah blah cookies.
Yep, it has been a while. Ohisashiburidesune? or something like that.
Well, I just figured that I'd get on tonight and reaquant myself with my blog. And I needed somewhere to rant where I wont be getting comments and such. I know that it's entirely possible that I may one day, but I figure that since I haven't updated in so long, people just stopped looking because I stopped posting. That is the hope anyway. Maybe someday you'll be reading this only to discover that I had written it months ago and the situation is entirely different. So, I am going to write this as if I don't know the people are going to be reading this. I'm not going to disguise anything. This is my blog, and so I shall write in it what I will and how I...wilt? =D
And you guessed it. This entry is all about Seth,so, if you don't like him or don't like hearing people blabbering on and on about him, then I would suggest that you ignore this post and wait for another one that will eventually come along that involves school and work and play. I understand that not everyone is an appreciator, so I just thought that I'd give everyone a heads up.
So...Seth has been on a mission...yep...and from what little (and I mean little) he has written me, he has had a pretty crumby mission so far. The companions that he has been with have each been a very unique trial. I was getting worried for him, he just seemed so disgouraged! I didn't want him to come home. Ok, I do, but I want to be gone when he does. I'm going on my own mission. So, I've just been really worried about him. Then I get a package from him. He called the gifts my Christmas, Birthday, and Valentines Day gifts. They really are quie stunning and lovely. I got a beautiful scarf that reminds me of fire, and an interesting hair piece that everyone keeps saying looks really oriental. I don't know about that, but i do know that I love them both. ^-^ He also sent an item to place in his silver suitcase.
For those of you who don't know, Seth left with me a silver suitcase and 300 dollars with which to buy video games that are coming out while he is away. Already I have KH 385/2 Days and Dissidia both kept neatly in their packaging and the original bags from Gamestop nestled safely in the silver suitcase.
So, he sent KH Final Mix that was only released in Japan for me to place in his "treasure chest" Oh goody. But that isn't all that he sent me in his package of joy and joyness and wonder. He also sent me his memory card. That's right, his memory card that is just stuffed to bursting with pictures of his mission, oh, and some really dorky voice recordings and a few videos. In fact, that's what I would like to talk about. One video in particular....
Well, I just figured that I'd get on tonight and reaquant myself with my blog. And I needed somewhere to rant where I wont be getting comments and such. I know that it's entirely possible that I may one day, but I figure that since I haven't updated in so long, people just stopped looking because I stopped posting. That is the hope anyway. Maybe someday you'll be reading this only to discover that I had written it months ago and the situation is entirely different. So, I am going to write this as if I don't know the people are going to be reading this. I'm not going to disguise anything. This is my blog, and so I shall write in it what I will and how I...wilt? =D
And you guessed it. This entry is all about Seth,so, if you don't like him or don't like hearing people blabbering on and on about him, then I would suggest that you ignore this post and wait for another one that will eventually come along that involves school and work and play. I understand that not everyone is an appreciator, so I just thought that I'd give everyone a heads up.
So...Seth has been on a mission...yep...and from what little (and I mean little) he has written me, he has had a pretty crumby mission so far. The companions that he has been with have each been a very unique trial. I was getting worried for him, he just seemed so disgouraged! I didn't want him to come home. Ok, I do, but I want to be gone when he does. I'm going on my own mission. So, I've just been really worried about him. Then I get a package from him. He called the gifts my Christmas, Birthday, and Valentines Day gifts. They really are quie stunning and lovely. I got a beautiful scarf that reminds me of fire, and an interesting hair piece that everyone keeps saying looks really oriental. I don't know about that, but i do know that I love them both. ^-^ He also sent an item to place in his silver suitcase.
For those of you who don't know, Seth left with me a silver suitcase and 300 dollars with which to buy video games that are coming out while he is away. Already I have KH 385/2 Days and Dissidia both kept neatly in their packaging and the original bags from Gamestop nestled safely in the silver suitcase.
So, he sent KH Final Mix that was only released in Japan for me to place in his "treasure chest" Oh goody. But that isn't all that he sent me in his package of joy and joyness and wonder. He also sent me his memory card. That's right, his memory card that is just stuffed to bursting with pictures of his mission, oh, and some really dorky voice recordings and a few videos. In fact, that's what I would like to talk about. One video in particular....
Ok, so I know this just sounds like normal dorky old Seth, and you might not have caught what Seth said that is bothering me so much, and I KNOW that I'm reading too much into this, but still. "I just got off the phone with Lauren and that whole ordeal"...So...talking to me was an ordeal...like, I was hard to talk to or like you didn't want to talk to me. Ok, so I am being way to emotional about this, but shouldn't he consider any effort to speak with me or reach out to me worth it and not an "ordeal" I mean, it is true that there was a bunch of jumping hoops so he could talk to me, but, wasn't it worth it? Aren't I worth it? I'd like to think that I am. He bought phone cards, borrowed phone cards and bargained for phone cards so he could talk with me. And I loved it. I got to hear from Seth for the last time until I get back from my mission. It is going to be a total of 3 years before I see that child again, is it really so hard to make an effort to talk to me?
So Seth has other videos on his memory card. Out of all of them, he doesn't mention anyone from home except me. Once in this video, and once saying that he had expected me to marry Nick Warren except that Nick is in the MTC at the exact same time and that they are both going to get home at the same time, so no worries.
I dunno, I just feel...I dunno. Kind of like I've been abandoned. It's just so hard sometimes because of who I am and the attention I sometimes think I need. I need people to tell me that they love me. I need to be told. Most times, I'm totally cool with the whole idea of implied love by actions, but I also find myself yearning for the words. But what is a word anyway? It is nothing more than a construction of sounds that we give meaning to. So why do I need to hear the words "I love you"? Actions speak louder than words, but when words are all that you've got, then what? All I hear from Seth are his letters. his short discouraging letters. And now the pedestal that I built for the memories of him is crumbling slightly. The idealized things that I placed on the teetery shelf have slipped a little. Yes, I can see his humor and the things that I fell in love with in the first place, but I can also see the things that hurt so much too. His jesting nature which sometimes takes things to far, and then all we feel is pain. A stabbing pain, a dull pain, a constant ache, the empty pit.
That is all for now. I find my gaze wandering to the corner of my screen and seein 1 AM. haha sleep an impossible dream. It's just, I miss Seth I miss being loved. I miss the problems and I miss the beautiful moments. I loved feeling wanted, and now, I don't feel that anymore. But I should be happy for that! He is on his mission for the Lord, not for Lauren. He cannot be distracted by thoughts of me. To be all that he can be, he needs to offer all of his service to the Lord. And I know this, but I sometimes can't help but feel so greedy sometimes. I want his love and his service! I want his attention again. I want, I want, I want! That is what the greedy little demon inside me says. and sometimes that is all I hear. So then I become sad. Because there is no way that I am going to tell him how badly I want these foolish things. Because I am terrified that if he knew how much I hated this, then he'd come back. Which I want all at the same time as I fear it. >,<
I give myself headaches and soggy blankets. Bed I think is calling me and wants me just as much as I want Seth. And so, I appease the one thing I can...to sleep.
You know what's really funny about this whole situation? I didn't even write about half of the things that are bothering me or weighing heavily on me at this moment. I have a lot of things that I have been bottling up, because I can't really confide in anyone anymore. Mum freaks out and sometimes stops listening partway through what I'm saying, for a time my friends abandoned me and i abandoned them, and now the doors are closed to confidentiality. They don't need me anymore, so how can I expect them to let me need them? Our lives have changed so much. The one person that i found to confide in took too much away from it, and now He is pursuing me constantly. I opened up too much to him because I had no one else. and so now, I have no one. I cannot tell Seth all of my worries because I don't want him becoming overwhelmed by it. And so, I turn to the word, and the fragile knowledge that no one will be reading this for a time. In this, I hope. Because I really don't feel like explaining this to people. I can hardly explain it to myself, how can I expect others to understand? I love my friends. I love my family. I love Seth. But I guess I still hurt too much from the past that I still can't move on wholly into the future. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I've come to terms, but I still feel that hollow ache that is a mere remnant of the initial hurt. It is deep and slow mending.
Geh, I am tired and I am sleep deprived. I am maddness. I am so many things. And now, or soon I will be asleep.
*eats a cookie*
A toast, for being only human. *silently raises a glass into the air*
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