Friday, March 19, 2010

hooray!

So I don't know why it is, (okay I really do) but I just haven't wanted to write lately. I guess since I know why I haven't been writing, I should state that I don't know what got me back into it. It could be the music that I am currently listening to. Or it could be an accumulation of the past few days. Let's just say that spring break can be compared to the mana of the gods. It totally restores any lost or degenerating cells and makes you feel more than human again. I can very safely say that I am feeling really good about life. I really wish I could share the music I'm listening to with you, it truly is epic. With a sense of yearning offset by a feeling of adventure and with movement balanced by an intricate weave of instruments...Truly a beautiful sound.

So, here's the reason I haven't been writing. Well, one of the reasons anyway. Here is the story that I've been avoiding and have been trying to work through...

I have a new friend. His name is Jorge. I met him at school and we became pretty good friends. Turns out we both had similar schedules for school in Orem. I need a ride down every other day, and he's willing to give me one. By the time I ask him if I can hitch a ride with him I've already gotten to know him enough to trust him with my well being. All is going well and dandy. At the time I started getting rides from him I was in a vulnerable state. My boyfriend had just left for his mission not too long before this and I was still struggling with it. I was honestly quite pathetic. Because of this time I ended up giving myself a new nick name. They call me Gimp. As stated in the dictionary...gimp=a person who limps; lame person.

This is what I had become. I tried my hardest to function normally, but ended up failing more often then naught. So in this state of weakness, along comes some person who doesn't really know me and is willing to listen to my problems and have random conversations with me. I put my trust in him. He became my confidant and a loyal friend. Truly, it was what I needed. Then things started to go wrong little by little, precept upon precept. I was ending up spending quite a lot of time with this guy. This was bad.

He started making approaches on me and was laying it on really thick. For a time I was sorely tempted by this idea of being in a relationship. It is such a comfort to be in a relationship and know that there is someone who will be there for you. So I toyed with the notion for quite a while. I thought and prayed really hard about it and decided that it wasn't what I wanted in life. So i told him no and he told me that he could accept that. He said it was better far to still be my friend than not know me at all. I expected him to keep his word with it and trusted him to understand.

He didn't. In fact he kkept pursuing me and I didn't know what to do. I was almost okay with his behavior, but then he took advantage of my sleeping self and kissed me on the lips. :/ In this, I was not well pleased. Something obviosly needed to happen. So I totally cut off all communication with him so that he would finally understand the point. Although I felt very strongly about this and his treatment of me, and even though I was really really mad at him. I couldn't do it. It was really really hard not communicating with him and it ended up hurting me because I just don't do those kinds of things. This was of course after 3 weeks of absolutely no communication with him. So I prayed, and the answer I got was to start over. When that thought came to me, my soul was able to settle and I could feel comfortable again.

So now I am trying my best to pretend like he's some random stranger from class. We're slowly getting to know eachother again. If he does anything too fast or seems to have a knowledge of me more than I've told him about myself in the past two weeks, I shut down. This way I remind him that I am a totaly stranger to him and that he can't push his luck with me.

I'm sure that it seems like a strange idea, but it's been working really well for me. Sometimes my earlier issues come back into mind, but then I "forget" them and move on. The way I figure it is that I can't expect our Heavenly Father to love and forgive me if I can't do it for others. The phrase kept coming to my mind of "what would Jesus do?" childish in its simplicity, yet ground breaking in its potential. Although Jesus probably wouldn't even be in this situation, I feel comfortable that I've made the correct decision.

It has been an interesting and rather long series of weeks. Things are looking good though. My world doesn't revolve around him so my life is amazingly beautiful. When I remember the love of the Lord for me, I feel comforted and content. I love my Father in Heaven and am so gratefull for his love for me. I know that with his guidance and protection I can do anything and become anyone.

So far, my plan is working really well. If he gets anywhere to an uncomfortable level for me, I have the power to shut him out again and continue with my own life. He doesn't have to be a part of it. I have the power of choice.

Hahaha. I fell asleep whil writing this all up. I'm going to bed. ^-^
Oyasuminasai!

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